You are weighing all the reasons why to be one and done while deep inside something makes you long for another baby. This is a tough position to be in. The decision whether to have more children does not come lightly. If you have only one child and are wondering whether you should be one and done, then I hope that this article can be of help in making your decision. After hearing from a lot of parents I have put together this article in hopes to help you when you are faced with making this life changing decision.

What to consider when you are unsure about having a second child:

Finances

If you have more children, the cost to raise them will increase. So, ask yourself are you able to meet all the needs of your current child financially? Are you able to buy clothes, toys and other necessities without resorting to credit cards. Will you be able to afford to sign up your current child for activities such as piano lessons, swimming lessons, soccer, etc.? These are all the things to consider from a financial perspective. 

Also, to consider are family vacations. It is costly to travel by plane. If you plan to visit a lot of places or if traveling through Europe is on your bucket list, the cost will be high already for just the three of you. I guess this is where you have to ask yourself do you want to live a mediocre life with more children, or do you want to live an extraordinary life with the family that you currently have. 

I am not trying to talk you out of having more children by no means. I am also not trying to promote being selfish and spending your money on luxurious traveling. What I am trying to do is remind you that there are financial sacrifices that you may need to make if you have more children. These sacrifices could affect the happiness of your current child. Do you rather provide one child with an annual vacation or two children with no vacation? If you are unable to afford to take your children on annual vacations that will affect their upbringing and how they fit into their friend circles. It will also rob them of cultural experiences. 

I guess in a nutshell: can you afford to have multiple children and give them an exceptional life? If you can and finances are no issue, then you know what to do. However, if you are already struggling to keep up with bills, have high debt and may need to take an additional job, then maybe you need to get more stable financially before having more children. 

I have met several parents who said that they could not afford their first child so what’s another one or two. But let’s think about this for a second. Not being able to afford the first child means you will be really gasping for air with the second. This is not really fair to the children. Having to watch us go through financial struggles is hard on them. Having to explain to them why we can’t buy them something or go on trips or buy better food is not fair to them.

If you decide to have more children, you have to change your financial circumstances. You have to evaluate if you can bring more income without taking on more jobs. Maybe you need to change jobs or change careers all together. Also, paying off debt and saving some money for postpartum would be highly advisable. 

Your Health 

Considering your health is very important before having more children. First of all, you need to make sure you are living a healthy life with good habits. If you are overweight, you should try to lose some weight. This will not only make your pregnancy more bearable, but it will also prevent unnecessary complications during pregnancy. Moreover, it will help you be more fit once your children reaches toddlerhood and you have to run after them all day. 

Secondly, you want to make sure that you do not have any health conditions that could make your pregnancy have complications. For instance, do you have fibroids growing on your uterus? Do those fibroids already give you problems? If they do, then during your pregnancy things could become more uncomfortable. Therefore, you should definitely do research on your health circumstances and the effect on your pregnancy, as well as see your doctor and address your concerns. You don’t want to have complications during pregnancy that are going to place you on bed rest leaving your existing child to fend for themselves. This would not be fair or be in their best interest. 

Also, how will the pregnancy affect you after delivery. If you need a C-section, will you be able to take care of the toddler and your baby? Do you have family to help you? Or worse, do you have a health condition that could cost you your life during the delivery? There are instances where delivering a baby could cause excessive bleeding and be life threatening to the mom. Question to ask yourself would be whether you are ok leaving your child and your new baby behind. I know this is morbid but very realistic to consider. 

Mental Stability

Do you have the patience to take care of more than one child? Having more children means more patience will be required in raising them. They will need something at the same exact time and one kid will have to be put on hold until the needs of the other are met. Also, eventually you will be acting like a mediator between the two. You must ask yourself whether you will be able to do that without walking around with a short fuse and blowing up all the time. 

Many parents want to be able to be fully present and enjoy the little milestones. They may want to be able to sit down and build with some Legos with their little guy or girl. Moreover, they may also want to be able to read to their child every night before bedtime and have quality one on one time.  That is not always possible with two children unless there is a big age gap. We are talking like 5 to 8 years to the point where my first is independent and enjoys alone time.

Therefore, you have to examine your circumstances and evaluate if you are able to handle more children mentally. Can your partner handle more children mentally? If both of you are already overwhelmed, then chances are that another child could push you over the limit. A child can see what occurs in the household. They can see mommy and daddy arguing when they are overwhelmed. You want to be mentally healthy so that you can raise children with a good mental health.

If your mental health is not good or if you feel overwhelmed, you need to see what you can do to feel better. Maybe you need to solve any current problems that are causing you to feel overwhelmed, such as finances or home repairs. If your mental health does not improve after trying to resolve the stresses that cause you to feel overwhelmed, then maybe it is time to go see a therapist.

Housing

Do you have the space to grow your family? This is more important than you realize. Initially, you may not notice issues with two kids sharing a room, however around age 5 your oldest one may start resenting you for having to share her/his room with a one-year-old who still wakes up crying several times every night. So, before you have a second child, ask yourself if you currently have space for another child. Can you make space for another child? Maybe you are using one room as an office, and you can move the office to the living room area. Are you able to build an addition? Can you afford to move to a bigger place?

Marriage

Having children can take a toll on the marriage. Most couples report having marital problems during their first 6 months with a new baby. The problems arise mostly due to exhaustion, lack of sleep, opinion differences regarding the baby or family boundaries, financial strains, and just drifting apart due to lack of quality time together. If you have finally restored your relationship with your partner, then you may want to sit down and discuss whether your partnership can go through another round of chaos. Some marriages may not be able to handle any additional stress and could consequently break apart.

There are things that you can do to maintain the restored partnership which is giving each other grace. You both have to understand that this is just a season and that both of you are doing the best that you can. You also have to find ways to spend quality time together. Maybe after putting the baby to bed, you guys can sit down and watch a movie or just cuddle and talk. Also, if you feel comfortable leaving your kid with a babysitter, you could go on dates once a month. The important fact is that you have to keep working on your marriage while you are raising your kids. Bringing kids into a broken marriage is the last thing that you should do.

Complications with new Baby

Do you have a child with special needs and is there a chance that your next child will have special needs too? Is there a chance for potential complications due to family health history? Maybe you were blessed with a healthy baby despite family history that could have caused complications but are wondering if your next baby will be as lucky.

You need to make sure that you are equipped to handle any complications that may arise, emotionally, physically, and financially. You also need to ask yourself how it will affect your current family. Life is tough enough as it is. We do not need to make it more difficult by not looking into all aspects when deciding to have more children.

A Sibling for your Child

Having a child just to give your current child a sibling and somebody to have when you die are not good enough reasons to have more children. Sure, they may become playmates and entertain each other. However, it is just as likely that they may not be able to stand each other. Furthermore, your current child could feel as if they were replaced. Of course, we can do everything possible to not let them feel that way, but we cannot fully control how certain situations make them feel.

There could also be jealousy and constant rivalry. Moreover, we have to consider that when they grow up, they may not be as close as we expect them to be. Many individuals have no contact with their siblings as adults. Others may have limited contact and maybe get to see their sibling once every few years. Having a sibling does not guarantee lifelong companionship.

We can’t worry that they will be alone but what we can do is raise them to be well rounded individuals so that they can make good friends and find spouses that will stand by their side once we are gone. This means having them be a part of a soccer team, going to their games, arranging playdates, teaching them to be kind and respectful and just being a loving parent all the time. 

Birthing Experience 

Is giving birth again giving you anxiety? If so, why are you feeling anxious? Maybe things did not go accordingly during your last birthing experience and therefore you feel scared that you may have another bad birthing experience. Well, I am here to tell you that every birthing experience is different and most times the second time around the experience is easier because you know what to expect. So, if fear of having a bad experience is holding you back in your decision just remember that it will be different and unique for in its own way.

However, if it will be different because of medical reasons, then that is something to consider. For instance, maybe your first birth was a vaginal delivery with no induction or no epidural, but due to a large uterine fibroid you have to have a c-section with the next baby. How do you feel about this? If you have a c-section you will receive medication and you will be separated from your child for a little bit so you can get stitched back up. You need to consider if this is a deal breaker. 

For some moms it is very important to be able to bond with the baby right away and to breastfeed. They would have a difficult time knowing that this would not be the case with the second baby. Sure, the husband would be with the baby. However, a mom would still feel some sadness about not being able to bond with her second baby the same way she was able to bond with her first baby. Again, everyone is different, and it is ok if you have to have a c-section. It is really a personal choice whether you feel you are ok with the c-section process or whether it will be something that you will feel unsettled about years after your child’s birth. 

Conclusion

I am hoping to have touched on all the aspects that impact the decision of going for the second baby. Having children is a blessing and such an amazing experience. It brings joy and fulfillment and helps us grow as individuals. However, it is also difficult, and it comes with responsibilities. We are responsible for providing our child/children with resources, guidance and our presence. If you truly want another child from the bottom of your heart and there are no reservations then you can probably work on getting the resources, improving your physical and mental health, providing guidance and becoming present.

Disclaimer:

We are not medical professionals and all content provided are our own opinions and information that we have attained through education and research. If you have questions relating to a medical condition and need advice, please contact a medical professional.

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